I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
