Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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