fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
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