porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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