god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
