I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
