yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
