you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
