Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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