Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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