You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
