He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My balls are so social today.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
