I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
