Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
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I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
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Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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