How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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