I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
