I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
