Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
