I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
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I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
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I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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