It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
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He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
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i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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