I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
What a dumb baby whore.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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