You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
