I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I touched a dick in church today
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
