We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
