Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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