You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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