I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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