It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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