Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
