If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
