There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
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Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
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They took my balls.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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