She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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