Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
