I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
