My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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