Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
