Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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