Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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