she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
