Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
