At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
