I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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