I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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