i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
no, he came in my armpit
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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