your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
