By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
