i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
