That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
