why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She told me I should be a condom model.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
