Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
