Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
