dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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