i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
