We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
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I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
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Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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