I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
